I coparent a miniature Dachshund. He has four modes, that he approaches his life with.
1. Apathy
2. Spite
3. Cheese
4. Vengeance
If you have ever had the misfortune of living with a Dachshund then you will recognise these modes of operation.
Apathy is his refusal to do anything that you would imagine he would be interested in. A walk? Not interested. Dinner? No thanks? You name it, he’s apathetic towards it.
Spite is his choice to be an abomination on the streets, a menace to pensioners, barking at anyone who crosses his path. He’s a foot long, and not a foot tall. Yet he writes cheques he knows will bounce, trying to start a fight with a German Shepard, stealing balls from other dogs. The worst thing I’ve ever seen him do is try to take a chunk out of a six-year-old simply because they got too close.
Cheese is self-explanatory. He would do anything for cheese, and also other dairy items to be honest. Little dairy bastard.
Finally, we come to vengeance, the worst of all his dickhead modes. This is where he chooses to punish us. We leave him downstairs on his own for one second longer than he deems fair, piss on the sofa. We plan to have a lie-in, he screams the house down earlier than normal. We change the bed, ignoring him, and it’s nice and clean, piss on the bed. You name it, he will use vengeance whenever he can.
Whilst the approach of my step-child is single-handedly the most selfish fuckery I’ve ever met in a dog, it is useful.
Useful, because in all situations that mini fucker knows exactly how to behave. He doesn’t think, he just is, his four predetermined modes kick in. Life throws many challenges at us, and knowing how to handle it can be tough. Having guiding principles - albeit less evil than a Dachshund - creates a blueprint of how we can all live our lives. It provides the answer to the questions that get thrown up.
It’s not as cut and dry as the life of a dog can be, but having a guideline of how to respond to life can reduce stress, and ease decision fatigue. So maybe, just maybe we all need to be a little more Dachshund.
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