This trans awareness week, I wanted to talk about gender dysphoria.
As my gender identity has evolved and expanded, my understanding of it has changed, which I think is a totally normal thing for many of us to experience. I am not the same person I was last month, let alone three years ago. This is because I see moments of adaptation and evolution in the smaller choices we make, from the things we do in our spare time and the hyper-focus we are currently fixated on. Yet what I have noticed is my levels of discomfort have increased.
As I say yes to more and more femme choices for my body, I have felt a growing incongruity in my own body. An unease with the foundations, and also with my non-binary identity too.
My sense of dysphoria is new in my journey, only really something I have experienced in perhaps the last 18 months. For the longest time, I always felt lucky because I had such an easy ride, but now as I dig deeper into my identity, I am coming up against some hurdles.
I’ll start with the biggest and that is body hair, it has become something that I feel exposes me to critique from non-queer folk mostly, as I show more of my body in clothing that feels affirming, I feel like I can only do that if I have removed my hair, something my partner helps me do regularly. If I forget I tend to keep my arms and legs covered - it can feel like a hot wave of shame, to general agitation when I can see it.
When I am misgendered, my sense of justice flares up especially when I have laid everything out, last week my card declined for the Sainsbury’s order, so I had to call up to re-pay. The operator had my account and could see that it says MX, but still called me MR, which for me is a constant battle that actually makes me feel like a fraud, like somehow I have been seen through, and my identity is wrong. The energy to not just put the phone down was huge. A simple thing like that can be blown out of the water, and a few years ago I would have ignored it - but today it is so much harder for me.
When we talk about awareness and understanding, I think they are two different things. To be aware of trans people is not the same as understanding us. Sharing some dysphoric moments with you, you can see that being trans affects life on all levels. We don’t have equal access. It is simply harder to be trans than it is cis - which can be extrapolated to any marginalised community.
I think this week more than any - turn your awareness into understanding. See our perspective, to fully grasp why we might want more rights, recognition, and responsible journalism covering our needs.
Existing as trans is worth it for the joy it brings us personally, but don’t doubt us when we say just how hard it can be day to day. That is the message you need to remember this trans awareness week.
Comments